April 27th

I normally do not talk religion nor do I write more than one post in a year... However, during the last year I have had quite a few spiritual experiences that at this point I feel I can share. April 27th 2012 was one of the hardest days I've ever had, as a woman, as a mother, as a human, and as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. On April 27th, 2012 I lost my second child- I was around 10 weeks pregnant, yes I know that so many people have had miscarriages and that it is a "normal" thing. However for me, it was devastating. I questioned so many things in my life at that moment. I tried being strong telling my sister and my mom over the phone that I had to have a D & C because my body hadn't recognized the fetus had stopped developing at 6 weeks. I was given a few options as how to "terminate" the pregnancy. I decided the best option was to have a D & C, so on April 27th at 4:30 in the morning I was at the hospital waiting for this to happen. I did have a very positive doctor who was saying there was no reason why I would have to wait to try and get pregnant again. 

 Yes, I wanted this to be over and I wanted to look past this and get started on expanding my family. A couple of days after my surgery I received a call from my Dr's office (just a secretary) saying that there were some weird pathogens in the fetus and not to worry it most likely was cancerous. Yes, not to worry that most likely it was cancerous, so not only had I lost a child- but that I might have had cancer. I was trying to process this information as I called Derrick, he immediately started stressing even more and made me call back and talk to someone else. I did and I was told I had to go in and get my blood drawn every week until my HGC levels were below 5, yes the single digit 5.  To ensure that it wasn't cancerous, We had to wait to start trying again until this happened, or it would be a HUGE sign that I did have cancer not a miscarriage/cancer.  My first draw was a week after my D & C and it was in the 18,000! (Not only did I have to go to the hospital at 6 am each friday to get this done, but the registration nurse asked if I was getting my HCG levels checked because of my abortion. Not miscarriage, but ABORTION! I bawled the whole way home from the hospital!) I had 5 weeks of blood draws before my HGC levels were below 5! That was such an awesome phone call from the nurse, she was just as excited as I was!  

I physically started healing, however, emotionally I struggled for MONTHS! A few months after my miscarriage I was so blessed to become pregnant again, I was extrememly fearful to tell anyone this time around.  I waited until I was 13/14 weeks before we told anyone (Ok so I take that back, both of our moms knew-but that was it).  I waited until the heartbeat was super strong, I paniced each time I felt a pain.  I wanted this baby, but I feared something was going to go wrong.  It wasn't until after our second appointment with the doctor that it finally felt real and right! I was finally going to have another baby! I had a very healthy and "normal" pregnancy- I was a high risk pregnancy with Zoe, so to have everything go acording to plan with Tye was just a miracle in and of itself!  

I threw up so much more with this pregnancy, I had aches and pains, I had heartburn, and I LOVED every second of my pregancy.  I was thankful for it.  No, I didn't like most of it, but I LOVED that I was pregnant with a healthy baby girl.  I was blessed.  I knew that the Lord had a plan for me and my family.  I knew that I was going to be ok, and that I would eventually be able to help others who had/have gone through this!  I am finally ready to tell my story, I don't know why it has taken me over a year and a half to tell it.  I think I have been shown courage from so many others who have gone through this, many who have hidden the fact that they have lost a child from everyone around them.  We live in a day and age where it is starting to be talked about more, where it is being accepted.  I wish that people would reach out to others when someone goes through this tragic loss and create a support system for them.  I had an amazing support system from my husband, and my family.  But outside of my family, noone else knew.

I was about 7 months pregnant when I figured out what April 27th really was.  One year to the day of my miscarriage was my due date for Tye.  It doesn't make me forget or replace my loss, but it does help me remember to treasure every moment I have with my healthy baby girl! And how blessed I am to have been able to get pregnant.  

I do have a little bit of advice for those who haven't dealt with this before:   

#1- Think about the husband (or father of the child) they too are going through an emotional time, they too have lost a child, even though they don't have the physical aspect of it they do have the emotional side of it. Everyone forgets about the husband during this time. And as a wife trying to recover I was trying to help him with his pain too.

#2- I don't want to hear about the multitude of miscarriages that people can have. I had one, I don't want to hear that Betty Sue had 7 of them! That is NOT encoraging. I want more children I DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH THIS SIX MORE TIMES THANK YOU!

#3- Let us grieve anyway we want. One day I might want to talk about it, but the next I want to act as though it never happened. 

#4- Don't ask me becasue my child is getting around the age of two, when I'm going to have another- trust me I wish I knew. And if all I can do is give a weak smile when you ask don't make up some assuption as to why- ("Oh you see that! She doesn't want any more"- Really?!?!)

#5- Its ok to ask me how I'm doing, my answer might be a lie- but at least you are giving me the option to tell you the truth.

#6- Don't give me the pitty look- I am still me.

#7- You can still tell me if you are having a bad day- I might be going through my own issues right now, but it doesn't mean I can't help you with yours! 

 I hope and pray that one day if someone else goes through this and needs to talk about it, or needs a shoulder to cry on, or someone to be mad about the situation with.  I want to be there for them.  I hate that we live in a day and age when this tragic loss still has to be hidden!  I have been blessed and I know that one day I will be able to raise my baby, my husband was amazing through this experience.  He always stayed positive through the entire ordeal, he wanted a family as much as I did, and he is my rock!  I love him every day for this!  I love my girls, and am blessed to be their mother! I love my family and hope that I can help others who might be struggling with this!