confessions of a new mommy-formula vs. breastfeeding

I know my baby is ten months old now, but this is something that has been on my mind for quite a few months.  Why I as a mother decided to formula feed my daughters.  Yes, I know the health benefits of breastfeeding.  I see the judgemental looks at church when I pull out the bottle to feed my child, I see the scoffs at the store when I have formula in my cart, and guess what?!  I don't care what you think or feel about MY judgement call. 

With my first baby, I was unable to breastfeed.  I had surgery when she was five days old, I was told to "pump and dump" for twelve hours after, so right from the get-go I was encouraged at the hospital just to formula feed, I wasn't given much of a choice, but where I was so sick I was more concerned about getting better, I tried the pumping thing, but when I ended up having to "pump and dump" for over 24 hours (due to having to have a second surgery), and my milk hadn't come in all the way, I was kinda shot!  I tried everything to get my milk to come in, and no avail! So, Zoe was formula fed right from the start.  Yes, I feel like I was sort of cheated with no help from the nursing staff when I asked about nursing my daughter.  But I got over this roadblock, I found that I could still be an amazing mom even with a bottle!  Zoe has had no issues developmentally with formula, she has been ahead of the curve all three years! We did have roadblocks finding the right formula for her, she had bad reflux.  Through trial and error we finally found a formula that worked for her, and she was a healthy baby!

With my second, I tried the breastfeeding.  Right after she was born, she had VERY low blood sugar, I was encouraged to breastfeed, I tried, she didn't latch very well.  But her blood sugar did rise, when she was getting bathed, it dropped again, the nurses asked if it would be ok, in her best interest to give her a little formula to raise it.  We both agreed this was the best choice for our tiny baby!  I had a SPECTACULAR nurse this time around, who helped me nurse, she gave me tricks and whatever she could to help me be successful this time around.  When we got home from the hospital, Tye still wouldn't latch, she got very distracted, and it was a battle, but I was determined to be successful this time around.  

At Tye's two week check-up she still wasn't back up to her birth weight. My pediatrician asked if I was supplementing with formula, I was a tiny bit as a trick to try and get her to latch.  She was handling the formula but getting frustrated every time she ate.  I had to do a weight check two days after her two week appointment to make sure she was gaining weight appropriately.  I had to give her formula between feedings, and I was pumping at least every two hours.  My milk wasn't coming in very well.  I had a hard time eating enough food, getting enough sleep, and drinking enough water (yes these are excuses! But when you are responsible for getting your child nutrient's, and they aren't developing "on track" and you are exhausted food and water are the last thing on your mind, SLEEP is the only thing you really want!) She had gained .2 lbs at her "weight-check" so she was out of the danger zone, and I was told to keep doing what I was.  

When Derrick was home, I was able to dedicate my energy to breastfeeding, but if he had to run to the store, or go to work, or sleep, well I was on my own, I was forced to put Zoe in a highchair while I tried to feed Tye.  Tye couldn't have any distractions while trying to feed.  And Zoe being a curious 2 year old (at the time) would get into anything she could while I was tied down to the couch.  So, I had to either put her in a highchair, or lock her into her room.  I felt like the worst parent in the world.  I was neglecting my oldest so I could fight with my newborn to try and breastfeed.  At 8 weeks I made the BEST decision I have made as a mother.  I went completely to formula, I finally was able to see the joy in motherhood again.  I loved both of my girls, and I was able to enjoy having a crazy 2 1/2 yr old Zoe and a sweet newborn.   

Tye had no issues whatsoever with formula, we didn't have any trial or error with her, she adapted to whatever formula she was given.  She gained weight, she has had no health issues, and had been developmentally on track as well!  I feel no guilt or remorse for giving either of my daughters formula, I attempted, I hated EVERY second of it.  I was becoming depressed, and felt like a failure.  By choosing to formula feed, I was given the confidence I needed to be a great mom.  This small sacrifice of choosing NOT to breastfeed helped me connect with my daughter more than breastfeeding ever did.  It allowed me to see my self-worth and gave me the joy of motherhood back.  

The choice I made to formula feed was the best choice I made for me and my family.  I am able to brush off those nasty looks because I know what I was sacrificing when I attempted to breastfeed.  I am so proud of those women who are able to successfully breastfeed.  The sacrifice they make of their own sleep, and energy for their children.  It was not for me, or my girls.  And I will never judge anyone for making the choice one way or the other.  As long as you love and adore your children and have their health as your top priority you won't go wrong in the choice YOU make!  Don't let anyone make you feel bad or guilty for making the CHOICE one way or the other, if you choose to sacrifice your time and energy to breastfeed, or if you choose to formula feed, it is a choice only you can make for you and your children!